I am so grateful that your post about homemade yogurt randomly showed up in my Substack today as I got to read this amazing post as well. I’m looking forward reading more about your journey into mini homesteading. You’ve already inspired me to resurrect my old garden on my quarter acre lot.
What a touching, deeply sentimental story of life and its many challenges. It touched me to the core. I can relate to so many of your Experiences and the way they were impressed upon you. I too often retreat to the forest finding solace under the trees. When my dog died a few years ago of cancer we buried him under the big oak by the gate to the garden it was his favorite place to sleep the hot summer days away. While I was sitting by his grave a cardinal came and perched on the fence just watching me. In the following weeks and months this cardinal showed up everytime I was outside and would flit around over the grave. Stop to watch me and sing out. If I didnt stop to sit quietly and observe him he would fly back and forth over my head and land on the arm of the chair next to me or the beam across the pergola. I began to think that he was actually a messenger for my dog. After doing some research on cardinals I found that legend has it that indeed Cardinals are messengers from those we love on the other side.
You inspired me to write a story about my dog, and the cardinal, It's been 3 years since my dog left this world, but the Cardinal has been here every summer. He and his forever mate tend to leave in the late fall and early winter, So I was so surprised to look out the window this after noon and see them back jumping around in the wisteria tree right above where Gunther was laid to rest... I mean this can't be a coincidence!!! Thinking so much about my dog today, sharing it here, and then the cardinal shows up again I hadn't seen him for months. WOW.. If I do publish my story here I will be sure to mention your stack and this incredible synchronicity.
Sure thing, and best of luck with your story. When I buried my first hen to die, one with whom I'd bonded, a rare lily grew over her grave. I didn't plant it, and I don't know where it came from.
that's crazy cool, so these lilies are not even anywhere in your yard? could the seeds have been in the feed? Anyway, for all the heartache and strangeness in this world there really is beauty, it keeps us going, trying, committed to loving life, to figuring things out, to using our creative imaginations. We are the artists that paint the world into view!
This is so beautiful Lisa, both moving and (as I've moving through similar questions and a whopper '23) very healing to receive. Thank you for sharing every bit of it 🙏
Our time here is so brief. Your story reminded me of the time I was walking on a beach on the south shore of Long Island. It was a cold September day at the end of the beach season, so I had miles of beach to myself. I noticed a slight movement in the sand and saw a dying juvenile gull.
The Herring Gull is a four-year bird but this male was no more than four months old. I have no idea - other than nature - what was taking him away from his life so young. He looked at me and tried to move his wings but did not move much of the sand which had blown on him. I lay down in front of him, looking into his eyes from a foot away. I stayed there with him for a couple of hours, and he was staring straight into my eyes when he died. It was amazing - as it always is; he was there and then he wasn't.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s cathartic to be vulnerable in writing. My dad’s presence shows up in cardinals and I always mentally tell the cardinals to “fly where the (deer or turkey) are gonna come from, dad!” I can’t tell you how many times those cardinals did just that.
This was also a year of dying in my house/farm. And why is it the law of the universe that as soon as you make a chicken/farm animal, they die? 😭 Thank you for sharing your story and bright solstice to you 🕯️
Oh my gosh, Lisa. Your writing here is real, raw, & heartrendingly beautiful. What a crap-tastic year you've had, but what a way to turn your grief into art.
I suspect many of us Gen X-ers who thought we were liberal have now found ourselves politically homeless & culturally cast out. I'm sorry your cousin experienced such a shunning.
Thank you, Erin, so much. Your praise humbles me and means a lot!
I think you're right about us Gen-Xers. "Politically homeless" is a phrase that fits me well these days. I was very dismayed to hear what Joel experienced. Unfortunately, it seems to be coming from the left, and I can't say the same for the right, even back in 90s when I was a lefty activist. Case in point: My alma mater has banned at least one speaker from campus, and that's not something that happened when I was a student there. The conservatives could have banned us, as we were in the minority on a conservative Jesuit campus back then, but they did not.
Very true. The '90's feel like a beacon of tolerance in hindsight lately. Who would've guessed? I see an economic & age divide on the left that has grown quickly in the past several years. So I think I'm just a rational centrist now.
Gosh, I too had a 2023 year of death and mayhem...people (2, a dear aunt and my godfather) and chickens (8 total and they were all chicks about 8 weeks old. 6 were taken in one night with nothing left but feathers and wing parts 😭) I nearly lost my 19 year old daughter to fentanyl poisoning (but for the quick CPR action of my husband and our small town fast rescue team)...we battled bedbugs, ticks and lice; both daughters broke up with long time boyfriends...it’s life but man did ‘23 through a lot at us. Thanks for your beautiful essay, you put into words much of my own feelings this year. Wishing you a much better and happier 2024 ❤️
Cynthia, I'm sorry to hear 2023 has been so challenging for you - it certainly seems to have been a common theme, but yours is about as tragic as I've heard. Thank you for your kind words, and I wish the same for you in 2024.
I’ve been a little busy with “life” lately and haven’t had much time to read or write anything. But when I saw the title to this piece I saved it and knew I would have to get back and read it. I’m so glad I did. Thank you for sharing.
I’m thinking we need, even hunger for more personal stories in these harsh politically divided times. If anything makes us forget our differences and remember our commonalities, it is in times of loss and grief. We don’t differ much there. Thank you for sharing your story in such a beautiful way. I’m sorry that Joel and so many have been hurt by this harmful divide. So pointless. It made me ponder the importance of being willing to be bravely vulnerable when sharing personal stories. Can’t think of a better way to deeply connect across all divides than risking that vulnerability. We sure could use more of that . . . Thank you.
Oh, my gosh... Thank you so much, Patty. This is wonderful to read, and I especially like what you said: "If anything makes us forget our differences and remember our commonalities, it is in times of loss and grief." Yes. So much this. You're welcome, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you so much, Claire! That's the biggest compliment; you have no idea. I'm glad this piece spoke to you, especially since I know what a discerning reader you are.
Dec 6, 2023Liked by Anthony C Valterra, Lisa Brunette
Lovely, poignant, beautifully written, and so relatable. I, too, have had many reflective moments this year, after also having such high hopes for a return to "normal." We've all weathered so many storms - political, pandemical, social, medical - over the past 3 years, that I'd hoped we could all breathe more easily this year. What's the pithy saying? "Man plans, and God laughs?" 2023 is comedy gold.
I figured out that, for me, this year has revealed the death of naïveté. Not innocence, exactly, but rather the blithe lack of being truly, deeply aware. I've stayed at the surface, at the day-to-day, the mundane. Just living. Just getting by. Just aiming for "normal." Expecting it.
But that's gone, isn't it?
Being a couple decades ahead of you, that ominous scythe is looming ever closer. The true awareness of that reality is daunting, but also clarifying. I now know why old people often say and do things they'd never said or done before. Why not?
Is it going to change my life profoundly? Probably not. But my awareness of it all has changed, and that's profound on its own.
Dec 6, 2023Liked by Anthony C Valterra, Lisa Brunette
Wonderful essay, if it is fair to use that word with all the sadness. My condolences to you and everybody affected.
A practical question, if I may. Why did the bird and the animal kill all your chickens, but eat none of them? Besides being so cruel, it seems to serve no helpful purpose, and is even harmful to the predator. They were taking a risk, wasting energy and one was in fact injured.
My best wishes, hopes and prayers for a better 2024.
On your question: Yes, the (likely) mink feasted on the four chickens. There wasn't much left of them, but it came back looking for a further meal on the remains. We'd cleaned up and bleached the coop by then, and we had to bury what was left of the chickens (totally inedible) and make sure they couldn't be dug up again! Such is the cycle of life. We honored Fudge Pie, who was left intact by that hawk (we must have startled it when we came home), by using her feet in a bone-broth stock, on a friend of mine's urging. That friend has a lot more experience than I do at homesteading. I still miss Fudge Pie, as I'm a goob, but/and/even so her feet made a beautiful stock. I've learned to embrace that seeming contradiction as an omnivore; we all need to eat, even that mink.
Thanks again for the wishes, hopes, and prayers. I wish you a beautiful year-end!
Dec 6, 2023Liked by Anthony C Valterra, Lisa Brunette
Lisa, I loved your ending, So REAL and bittersweet and tenaciously clinging to the wonder & joy of this world. . Carolina wrens are my one of favorites as they sing beautifully with abandon . There’s another little fat brown bird who if perched atop your chimney will decorate your house with his joyful song. I hope he finds you. My apologies for your loss(ex). My compliments to your persistence in living ! We are all the walking wounded these days no matter our journeys, I admire your resilience, that’s the true message here. Many holiday blessings to you. The only way is through.
Oh, my gosh... you brought tears to my eyes. And you are so right: I often think about us all "living lives of quiet desperation." I will look for that fat little bird! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am so grateful that your post about homemade yogurt randomly showed up in my Substack today as I got to read this amazing post as well. I’m looking forward reading more about your journey into mini homesteading. You’ve already inspired me to resurrect my old garden on my quarter acre lot.
Woot! You just made my day! Welcome and thank you 🙏.
What a touching, deeply sentimental story of life and its many challenges. It touched me to the core. I can relate to so many of your Experiences and the way they were impressed upon you. I too often retreat to the forest finding solace under the trees. When my dog died a few years ago of cancer we buried him under the big oak by the gate to the garden it was his favorite place to sleep the hot summer days away. While I was sitting by his grave a cardinal came and perched on the fence just watching me. In the following weeks and months this cardinal showed up everytime I was outside and would flit around over the grave. Stop to watch me and sing out. If I didnt stop to sit quietly and observe him he would fly back and forth over my head and land on the arm of the chair next to me or the beam across the pergola. I began to think that he was actually a messenger for my dog. After doing some research on cardinals I found that legend has it that indeed Cardinals are messengers from those we love on the other side.
Wow, that’s an amazing story! It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing. And I’m so glad this post touched you in this way.
You inspired me to write a story about my dog, and the cardinal, It's been 3 years since my dog left this world, but the Cardinal has been here every summer. He and his forever mate tend to leave in the late fall and early winter, So I was so surprised to look out the window this after noon and see them back jumping around in the wisteria tree right above where Gunther was laid to rest... I mean this can't be a coincidence!!! Thinking so much about my dog today, sharing it here, and then the cardinal shows up again I hadn't seen him for months. WOW.. If I do publish my story here I will be sure to mention your stack and this incredible synchronicity.
Sure thing, and best of luck with your story. When I buried my first hen to die, one with whom I'd bonded, a rare lily grew over her grave. I didn't plant it, and I don't know where it came from.
that's crazy cool, so these lilies are not even anywhere in your yard? could the seeds have been in the feed? Anyway, for all the heartache and strangeness in this world there really is beauty, it keeps us going, trying, committed to loving life, to figuring things out, to using our creative imaginations. We are the artists that paint the world into view!
LOL, no on both counts. I suppose when we dug the hole, we might have brought an old lily from long ago to the surface, but other than that...
And yes. Well said.
This is so beautiful Lisa, both moving and (as I've moving through similar questions and a whopper '23) very healing to receive. Thank you for sharing every bit of it 🙏
You're welcome, Kristin. I'm really glad to see that it resonated with you. It was tough to write, but your response makes it worth it.
Our time here is so brief. Your story reminded me of the time I was walking on a beach on the south shore of Long Island. It was a cold September day at the end of the beach season, so I had miles of beach to myself. I noticed a slight movement in the sand and saw a dying juvenile gull.
The Herring Gull is a four-year bird but this male was no more than four months old. I have no idea - other than nature - what was taking him away from his life so young. He looked at me and tried to move his wings but did not move much of the sand which had blown on him. I lay down in front of him, looking into his eyes from a foot away. I stayed there with him for a couple of hours, and he was staring straight into my eyes when he died. It was amazing - as it always is; he was there and then he wasn't.
Wow, that is a stunning story. Thank you for taking the time and heart to share it here.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s cathartic to be vulnerable in writing. My dad’s presence shows up in cardinals and I always mentally tell the cardinals to “fly where the (deer or turkey) are gonna come from, dad!” I can’t tell you how many times those cardinals did just that.
That's wonderful, Jim. Thank you for sharing it.
This was also a year of dying in my house/farm. And why is it the law of the universe that as soon as you make a chicken/farm animal, they die? 😭 Thank you for sharing your story and bright solstice to you 🕯️
You're welcome, Natalie! And hmm... why is that, indeed?
Oh my gosh, Lisa. Your writing here is real, raw, & heartrendingly beautiful. What a crap-tastic year you've had, but what a way to turn your grief into art.
I suspect many of us Gen X-ers who thought we were liberal have now found ourselves politically homeless & culturally cast out. I'm sorry your cousin experienced such a shunning.
Thank you, Erin, so much. Your praise humbles me and means a lot!
I think you're right about us Gen-Xers. "Politically homeless" is a phrase that fits me well these days. I was very dismayed to hear what Joel experienced. Unfortunately, it seems to be coming from the left, and I can't say the same for the right, even back in 90s when I was a lefty activist. Case in point: My alma mater has banned at least one speaker from campus, and that's not something that happened when I was a student there. The conservatives could have banned us, as we were in the minority on a conservative Jesuit campus back then, but they did not.
Very true. The '90's feel like a beacon of tolerance in hindsight lately. Who would've guessed? I see an economic & age divide on the left that has grown quickly in the past several years. So I think I'm just a rational centrist now.
Gosh, I too had a 2023 year of death and mayhem...people (2, a dear aunt and my godfather) and chickens (8 total and they were all chicks about 8 weeks old. 6 were taken in one night with nothing left but feathers and wing parts 😭) I nearly lost my 19 year old daughter to fentanyl poisoning (but for the quick CPR action of my husband and our small town fast rescue team)...we battled bedbugs, ticks and lice; both daughters broke up with long time boyfriends...it’s life but man did ‘23 through a lot at us. Thanks for your beautiful essay, you put into words much of my own feelings this year. Wishing you a much better and happier 2024 ❤️
Throw* 🤣
Cynthia, I'm sorry to hear 2023 has been so challenging for you - it certainly seems to have been a common theme, but yours is about as tragic as I've heard. Thank you for your kind words, and I wish the same for you in 2024.
Thank you, I am going to remain hopeful 😊
I’ve been a little busy with “life” lately and haven’t had much time to read or write anything. But when I saw the title to this piece I saved it and knew I would have to get back and read it. I’m so glad I did. Thank you for sharing.
You're welcome, and thank you. I'm glad the title didn't put you off and that you got something out of this.
Thanks for the restack, @Olivia Johns .
I’m thinking we need, even hunger for more personal stories in these harsh politically divided times. If anything makes us forget our differences and remember our commonalities, it is in times of loss and grief. We don’t differ much there. Thank you for sharing your story in such a beautiful way. I’m sorry that Joel and so many have been hurt by this harmful divide. So pointless. It made me ponder the importance of being willing to be bravely vulnerable when sharing personal stories. Can’t think of a better way to deeply connect across all divides than risking that vulnerability. We sure could use more of that . . . Thank you.
Oh, my gosh... Thank you so much, Patty. This is wonderful to read, and I especially like what you said: "If anything makes us forget our differences and remember our commonalities, it is in times of loss and grief." Yes. So much this. You're welcome, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I'm not good on writing about emotions, or feeling them, but your essay has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thank you so much, Claire! That's the biggest compliment; you have no idea. I'm glad this piece spoke to you, especially since I know what a discerning reader you are.
In this writing, Lisa has put many of life's pieces together where they belong.
As the sparrows are Seen, then we are surely Seen, and death is not the end.
But all the goodbyes are hard work. 🙏🙏
Thank you so much, weedom. For this and all the other pleasant interactions this year!
Really this post of yours is a hugely important, IRL way to get us all focused on what counts.
I hope we collaborate more in 2024. Yard farming is vital for America.
Here, here! I'm all in.
Lovely, poignant, beautifully written, and so relatable. I, too, have had many reflective moments this year, after also having such high hopes for a return to "normal." We've all weathered so many storms - political, pandemical, social, medical - over the past 3 years, that I'd hoped we could all breathe more easily this year. What's the pithy saying? "Man plans, and God laughs?" 2023 is comedy gold.
I figured out that, for me, this year has revealed the death of naïveté. Not innocence, exactly, but rather the blithe lack of being truly, deeply aware. I've stayed at the surface, at the day-to-day, the mundane. Just living. Just getting by. Just aiming for "normal." Expecting it.
But that's gone, isn't it?
Being a couple decades ahead of you, that ominous scythe is looming ever closer. The true awareness of that reality is daunting, but also clarifying. I now know why old people often say and do things they'd never said or done before. Why not?
Is it going to change my life profoundly? Probably not. But my awareness of it all has changed, and that's profound on its own.
Much love to you and Tino.
MK
MK! So much depth and truth in your post. First, thank you for your kind words and affection. Right back at ya.
Second: So much yes to what you've said. I hate that phrase, "the new normal." It might be new, but it's anything but normal.
The death of naïveté. That's profound and, I think, right. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!
Wonderful essay, if it is fair to use that word with all the sadness. My condolences to you and everybody affected.
A practical question, if I may. Why did the bird and the animal kill all your chickens, but eat none of them? Besides being so cruel, it seems to serve no helpful purpose, and is even harmful to the predator. They were taking a risk, wasting energy and one was in fact injured.
My best wishes, hopes and prayers for a better 2024.
Thank you, Phil, for the praise and condolences.
On your question: Yes, the (likely) mink feasted on the four chickens. There wasn't much left of them, but it came back looking for a further meal on the remains. We'd cleaned up and bleached the coop by then, and we had to bury what was left of the chickens (totally inedible) and make sure they couldn't be dug up again! Such is the cycle of life. We honored Fudge Pie, who was left intact by that hawk (we must have startled it when we came home), by using her feet in a bone-broth stock, on a friend of mine's urging. That friend has a lot more experience than I do at homesteading. I still miss Fudge Pie, as I'm a goob, but/and/even so her feet made a beautiful stock. I've learned to embrace that seeming contradiction as an omnivore; we all need to eat, even that mink.
Thanks again for the wishes, hopes, and prayers. I wish you a beautiful year-end!
Lisa, I loved your ending, So REAL and bittersweet and tenaciously clinging to the wonder & joy of this world. . Carolina wrens are my one of favorites as they sing beautifully with abandon . There’s another little fat brown bird who if perched atop your chimney will decorate your house with his joyful song. I hope he finds you. My apologies for your loss(ex). My compliments to your persistence in living ! We are all the walking wounded these days no matter our journeys, I admire your resilience, that’s the true message here. Many holiday blessings to you. The only way is through.
Oh, my gosh... you brought tears to my eyes. And you are so right: I often think about us all "living lives of quiet desperation." I will look for that fat little bird! Thank you, thank you, thank you.