Political screeds about Oprah, Charlie Kirk, or TPUSA are off-topic and will not be tolerated. Please keep your comments focused on the stated topic of forgiveness. This is my membership community, and while I encourage thoughtful debate about the topics at hand, it's not a platform for you to argue your political positions irrelevant to that. I reserve the right to delete comments and block violators. If you want to campaign, start your own Substack; it's easy.
That’s some powerful writing. And I think you have a point about acceptance. Forgiveness starts with acceptance (Erika Kirk), and still pursues justice.
I appreciate the compliment and support, Stephanie. It might interest you to know that Jesus showed up in a big way for me last year--something I neither asked for nor anticipated. I'm working to stay curious about that and honor this new presence in my life with an altered spiritual path. I might write more about this in time.
I wish you all the best. I appreciate the work you are doing.
I am the Chief Guardian of the Octagon Society, Order of Spiritual Alchemy. Our fifth Law is the Law of Forgiveness. Our belief is, forgiveness is necessary for continued spiritual evolution. That is what a loving God wants for us. As to the perpetrator, the Justice of God is undeviating.
Forgiveness does not require forgetting, or accepting, or returning. It is giving it up to God, having faith that God will make it right.
William, thanks for your well wishes, and for directing me to this portion of the Octagon Society. I remember reading a bit about the group in your writings previously.
The problem I have with the Fifth Law as stated is the exact same problem I outlined and demonstrated above. I see that this Fifth Law makes the mistake of taking a rather minor aspect of "forgiveness" and assuming that small part determines the whole. From my vintage Webster's (new 20th century, unabridged, 2nd ed. 1970), the definition of forgive is:
1. to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; to stop being angry with; to pardon.
2. to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); to overlook.
3. to cancel or remit, as a debt, fine, or penalty.
I think the key for our health and happiness is the ability to give up the resentment and anger. But the desire to punish, not so much. Ditto the claim to punish or exact punishment. Also, overlooking the offense is patently dangerous and would not lead to good societal outcomes. To cancel or remit the debt, fine, or penalty--the same. So the most minor aspects of the definition, the ones governing the emotions of resentment and anger, fit your Fifth Law as you've defined it in your comment, but none of the others do.
I hear you. However, that Websters def is based on materialist belief in the West. Forgiveness is no one else’s business. It is between you and God. Nor does it prevent you from seeking justice, nor esp anyone else. Many people demand you forgive, because they think it absolves them from seeking Justice for you and society. People like yourself deserve forgiveness, and to see the one who harmed you hanging. That the Webster way stands is why pedos are so common, preventing true justice for so many.
Then why even call it forgiveness? Sounds like your Fifth Law might just be perpetuating what you call "the Webster way."
And that was a bit of a straw man comeback, by the way; seems like you didn't like the dictionary definition, so you discredited it by lumping it in with today's pedo-enabling culture.
I agree with you, though, about this: "Many people demand you forgive, because they think it absolves them from seeking Justice for you and society." Yes, exactly.
That is why at the beginning of the Laws, we make it clear, if you do not believe in the Divine, then this will not work for you. It is not for me to say what is forgiveness in that regard, that is between you and God.
OK, and I think we're talking about the same thing here. I just don't think it's accurate to call it forgiveness, and dictionary definitions back me up on this. Acceptance works better for me, but we get to the same place eventually.
This is so hard to read and even harder to make an adequate comment about. This is not a crime to be forgiven, but to be punished in every way possibe. Taking advantage of the helpless is intolerable and I commend you for your courage in sharing this. I notice in your picture you are wearing a western hat and I do hope there is a horse in your life - they are the best healers in the world. I wish you a fulfilling life.
Christina, thank you so much for this heartfelt and helpful comment. Alas, I do not have access to a horse, but once a week I go to a friend's homestead, and together we milk her two cows, Belle and Bessie. I always milk Belle, and she now moos with anticipation the minute she sees my truck pull into the drive. She's a beaut, with big brown eyes and thick eyelashes, as my friend says, "a children's storybook cow." It's very healing. I wish I could know a horse as well.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and painful experience with such honesty. Your bravery in facing the truth truly touched me. I believe many people struggle with the burden of forgiveness, especially when the hurt wasn’t acknowledged or held accountable.
What you expressed about the difference between forgiveness and acceptance really struck a chord with me. Sometimes, accepting what happened and choosing not to live in denial is the most genuine and healing path we can take. That requires incredible strength.
I truly appreciate you putting this into words. I hope it brings comfort to others carrying similar wounds, reminding them they are not alone. 💓
Kim, that's my hope and the motivation for sharing my story, despite the fact that it challenges many people. My process with this began more than two years ago, I've had to walk through darkness, and it has taken all the strength I can muster. Thanks so much for allowing me to feel read, seen, and understood.
Lisa, thank you for trusting people enough to share something that hard. I can only imagine how much strength it has taken to walk through that darkness and still be willing to speak the truth about it.
Your words clearly come from a place of deep reflection and courage. I’m really glad you chose to share your story, because I’m sure it will help others who are quietly carrying similar pain feel less alone.
I’m grateful you let us read it and that you were willing to be so open with your experience. 💓
You put out personal profundities that are relevant to untold millions in these times. That takes Huge courage.
Webster is definitely not where to go for defining and expressing the spiritual matters. It has been revised to tickle the ears of a declining society.
Forgiveness can be thought of as releasing the perp from “debt” to you, which in turn releases you from the thoughts or burden of collecting on the “debt”. That word is inadequate but expresses that something was taken from you that can't be replaced or made whole.
Acceptance is a good word for your situation too, and I see why you picked it.
Forgiveness as releasing the “debt” regarding you, does not mean that justice should not be due, nor does it mean you should not shield yourself from further damage.
It’s OK and consistent with forgiveness to keep yourself, and for others to be kept safe from harm by the perp. That might mean holding some people at arm’s length.
Seems you found that our Creator has been looking out for you, and making you stronger year by year. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Maybe... I think you and the other commenter on this topic are twisting into pretzels, though, to try to discredit a definition we all still hold. I'm perhaps older than both of you at 54, and Webster's captures my understanding of the word "forgiveness" pretty well. I still think we've taken the small part to represent the whole, and neither you nor the other poster has dissuaded me from this.
I am blown away by your essay. These revelations are profound. I can’t imagine what you endured and I’m pretty sure I would not have it in me to forgive either parent in your shoes. You have remarkable strength. I wish you the best and I hope this piece can help other victims with healing from trauma.
I'm going to leave these here for you to take a look at. Since Christianity is rooted in Hebrew thought and practice, I sometimes go back to these sources to get out of the divisive weeds of modern Christianity.
I share the first link to point out that forgiveness in your case could simply mean you are not seeking revenge or holding grudges against your parents, and if they came to you to seek your forgiveness, you would give it to them.
Stephanie, I don't really need these, but thanks for leaving them here, as they might resonant with other readers.
Also, I want to point out that in the essay above, I talk about forgiving my mother, which I've done all my life. Maybe you missed that part. It was also important for me to allow myself to finally, after decades of repressing it myself and having it suppressed by others, feel my anger toward her. It was necessary in breaking the hold she still had on me here as I head into old age. I'd already gone through the same process with my father. That's why I think it's so dangerous to push forgiveness especially on people whose parents criminally abused them; it winds up enforcing repression and suppression of the truth those people have already struggled with––often for years and decades. It's another kind of abuse, honestly.
That said, while your first link makes the same argument I've heard before, the second one digs into some interesting discussions about apologies. Neither of them use the word "crime" or "criminals," however. Please think about what I've tried to outline above about the nature of actual crimes committed. A healthy society needs to set that boundary about what behaviors we're willing to tolerate, not act like forgiveness--whether in response to an apology or the absence of one--is enough.
I do appreciate this, from that second link: "And while there is an obligation to seek forgiveness, if the perpetrator either a] does not show regret or b] still continues (or would continue) in the behavior – there is no obligation whatsoever to forgive him (See SA CM 422:1; Rambam Hilchos Chovel uMazik 5:10; See also Assei lecha Rav Vol. VI #42.)"
And this: "The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 2:9) lists three things that the perpetrator must do in order to receive forgiveness. He must; 1] provide financial restitution when it is appropriate, 2] seek to appease his victims and 3] genuinely request for forgiveness."
You're welcome. I did not miss your heart or the hurt you felt when your mother did not respond to your efforts in the way you had hoped. I did post these in support of what you have said. not because I thought you needed them.
Forgiveness is more complicated than many seem to make it out to be in public proclamations. I remember having similar feelings when Matt Lauer got fired for his sexual sins, denied the allegations even after more women came forward, and Kathy Lee Gifford immediately begged for the public's forgiveness while not even mentioning the women he abused. How odd was that??? I can show him mercy by not seeking to do him harm, but I'm not the one who was hurt by his actions, so forgiveness of his actions was not something that should have been asked of me in the first place.
I understand that extending mercy to those who have sinned may help bring them to repentance, but repentance is more than an apology, repentance involves making amends where possible and accepting any and all consequences for sinful actions. Matt Lauer has remarried and according to the latest news, wants to be let back into a position of public influence which makes me sick to my stomach, so I pray he will turn to God and make things right. If he does not, I rest in the fact that justice may be delayed, but it will not be withheld forever, and I trust that God will take care of every injustice as He sees fit because He is a perfect judge. The same is true for your parents, and I have offered my prayers in regard to them and for your continued healing. God Bless
Stephanie, I appreciate you taking the time to come back and clarify your intention in sharing the outlinks. Yeah, it's ironic because my forgiveness and what I believe to be a herculean effort to understand her life in its context isn't enough to save this relationship. She refuses to have anything to do with me. In a lifetime of manufactured illnesses (she pretended to have MS for more than a decade), her latest is dementia, but it's a very selective forgetfulness about only the things she wishes not to discuss or have anyone else discuss. It's no accident that they're often paired: "forgive and forget." I'm working on seeing her rejection of me as a blessing.
On Matt Lauer: Hmm... I confess I don't know much about that case. It's sad that it doesn't sound like he's gone through the steps to make amends for his abuse or heal whatever it is inside himself that makes him act out in that way. I feel you on how hard it is in the absence of societal justice to be patient. I'm new to this idea of speaking in terms of a just God, so I'm afraid I don't have much to say except that the hardest part about my father's crimes is knowing that he's been out there free to continue destroying innocents. I first tried many years ago to report him when he remarried a woman with many children and grandchildren, but there is nothing child protective services can do unless you know of a particular child who is being harmed and have this corroborated by others who know the child. That's a bitter one to accept. I would hope that with the scandal as a shadow behind him, Lauer at least wouldn't be able to so easily abuse whatever positions he's granted.
Thanks for the discussion here. I feel honored to have your time and thought.
Your sister wants power. Full stop. She surely would have wanted more power all her life, but she’s settling on being the One who tells you what to do.
I am not a Forgiver. If someone is awful, I can see my way to giving a second chance if there is a sincere apology and I see evidence that they are working to change.
Absent those details, I assume the behavior I witnessed will be repeated. I can no more change them than I can change the nature of the moon.
Trauma doesn’t go away. Nature, art, music, sweet pets, dependable family and friends let one manage and thrive. For dark nights there are books, dull podcasts and silly movies. I know you know this. Thriving is a nice revenge.
I'm just here to say I agree fully with you. Acceptance is for personal healing, full stop. It's about coming to terms with our own unique lived experience in our own bodies, with what happened to us - emphasis on the "to", as in it came at us, out of the clear blue, beyond our control. Whether it's a bolt of lightning or human violence, it's not our doing.
It would be interesting to explore the opposite of forgiveness for some folks here. Holding a grudge? Anger? Blame? You are not responsible for pardoning your parents nor do you have the power to do so. I often think those who say they forgive are playing God. And yes, I'm aware that Christians believe that failure to forgive can corrupt the heart and, if the pain festers, can get in the way of relationship to God and others. Acceptance, which takes more eyes-wide-open effort than forgiveness, also takes the place of bitterness and anger, though.
Tanja, thank you so much for this. I love these lines of yours: "It's about coming to terms with our own unique lived experience in our own bodies, with what happened to us - emphasis on the "to", as in it came at us, out of the clear blue, beyond our control. Whether it's a bolt of lightning or human violence, it's not our doing."
And indeed, what you bring up about anger, blame, and grudges is interesting. I could argue that the best way to honor my father is to hold him accountable for his crimes, as only in this can he be saved. I wonder what others think of that.
Exactly. There are some things that can't be forgiven until the other takes responsibility. (And what you quoted is due to my background in phenomenolgy, the philosophy of experience. It has helped me a lot. I'm glad it resonated with you.)
This is such a powerful and necessary piece. You make an important distinction here between forgiveness and compliance, and between acceptance and being forced back into silence for other people’s comfort. I’m very glad you wrote it.
READ THIS BEFORE COMMENTING:
Political screeds about Oprah, Charlie Kirk, or TPUSA are off-topic and will not be tolerated. Please keep your comments focused on the stated topic of forgiveness. This is my membership community, and while I encourage thoughtful debate about the topics at hand, it's not a platform for you to argue your political positions irrelevant to that. I reserve the right to delete comments and block violators. If you want to campaign, start your own Substack; it's easy.
That’s some powerful writing. And I think you have a point about acceptance. Forgiveness starts with acceptance (Erika Kirk), and still pursues justice.
I appreciate the compliment and support, Stephanie. It might interest you to know that Jesus showed up in a big way for me last year--something I neither asked for nor anticipated. I'm working to stay curious about that and honor this new presence in my life with an altered spiritual path. I might write more about this in time.
ooh--can't wait to hear!!!!! :)
I wish you all the best. I appreciate the work you are doing.
I am the Chief Guardian of the Octagon Society, Order of Spiritual Alchemy. Our fifth Law is the Law of Forgiveness. Our belief is, forgiveness is necessary for continued spiritual evolution. That is what a loving God wants for us. As to the perpetrator, the Justice of God is undeviating.
Forgiveness does not require forgetting, or accepting, or returning. It is giving it up to God, having faith that God will make it right.
https://octagonsociety.org/octagon-society/octagon5/
William, thanks for your well wishes, and for directing me to this portion of the Octagon Society. I remember reading a bit about the group in your writings previously.
The problem I have with the Fifth Law as stated is the exact same problem I outlined and demonstrated above. I see that this Fifth Law makes the mistake of taking a rather minor aspect of "forgiveness" and assuming that small part determines the whole. From my vintage Webster's (new 20th century, unabridged, 2nd ed. 1970), the definition of forgive is:
1. to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; to stop being angry with; to pardon.
2. to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); to overlook.
3. to cancel or remit, as a debt, fine, or penalty.
I think the key for our health and happiness is the ability to give up the resentment and anger. But the desire to punish, not so much. Ditto the claim to punish or exact punishment. Also, overlooking the offense is patently dangerous and would not lead to good societal outcomes. To cancel or remit the debt, fine, or penalty--the same. So the most minor aspects of the definition, the ones governing the emotions of resentment and anger, fit your Fifth Law as you've defined it in your comment, but none of the others do.
I hear you. However, that Websters def is based on materialist belief in the West. Forgiveness is no one else’s business. It is between you and God. Nor does it prevent you from seeking justice, nor esp anyone else. Many people demand you forgive, because they think it absolves them from seeking Justice for you and society. People like yourself deserve forgiveness, and to see the one who harmed you hanging. That the Webster way stands is why pedos are so common, preventing true justice for so many.
Then why even call it forgiveness? Sounds like your Fifth Law might just be perpetuating what you call "the Webster way."
And that was a bit of a straw man comeback, by the way; seems like you didn't like the dictionary definition, so you discredited it by lumping it in with today's pedo-enabling culture.
I agree with you, though, about this: "Many people demand you forgive, because they think it absolves them from seeking Justice for you and society." Yes, exactly.
That is why at the beginning of the Laws, we make it clear, if you do not believe in the Divine, then this will not work for you. It is not for me to say what is forgiveness in that regard, that is between you and God.
OK, and I think we're talking about the same thing here. I just don't think it's accurate to call it forgiveness, and dictionary definitions back me up on this. Acceptance works better for me, but we get to the same place eventually.
The Law of Acceptance is our first Law. I do wish you good health, and Justice.
This is so hard to read and even harder to make an adequate comment about. This is not a crime to be forgiven, but to be punished in every way possibe. Taking advantage of the helpless is intolerable and I commend you for your courage in sharing this. I notice in your picture you are wearing a western hat and I do hope there is a horse in your life - they are the best healers in the world. I wish you a fulfilling life.
Christina, thank you so much for this heartfelt and helpful comment. Alas, I do not have access to a horse, but once a week I go to a friend's homestead, and together we milk her two cows, Belle and Bessie. I always milk Belle, and she now moos with anticipation the minute she sees my truck pull into the drive. She's a beaut, with big brown eyes and thick eyelashes, as my friend says, "a children's storybook cow." It's very healing. I wish I could know a horse as well.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and painful experience with such honesty. Your bravery in facing the truth truly touched me. I believe many people struggle with the burden of forgiveness, especially when the hurt wasn’t acknowledged or held accountable.
What you expressed about the difference between forgiveness and acceptance really struck a chord with me. Sometimes, accepting what happened and choosing not to live in denial is the most genuine and healing path we can take. That requires incredible strength.
I truly appreciate you putting this into words. I hope it brings comfort to others carrying similar wounds, reminding them they are not alone. 💓
Kim, that's my hope and the motivation for sharing my story, despite the fact that it challenges many people. My process with this began more than two years ago, I've had to walk through darkness, and it has taken all the strength I can muster. Thanks so much for allowing me to feel read, seen, and understood.
Lisa, thank you for trusting people enough to share something that hard. I can only imagine how much strength it has taken to walk through that darkness and still be willing to speak the truth about it.
Your words clearly come from a place of deep reflection and courage. I’m really glad you chose to share your story, because I’m sure it will help others who are quietly carrying similar pain feel less alone.
I’m grateful you let us read it and that you were willing to be so open with your experience. 💓
I'm glad you can see that, Kim. And I hope this helps others heal.
You put out personal profundities that are relevant to untold millions in these times. That takes Huge courage.
Webster is definitely not where to go for defining and expressing the spiritual matters. It has been revised to tickle the ears of a declining society.
Forgiveness can be thought of as releasing the perp from “debt” to you, which in turn releases you from the thoughts or burden of collecting on the “debt”. That word is inadequate but expresses that something was taken from you that can't be replaced or made whole.
Acceptance is a good word for your situation too, and I see why you picked it.
Forgiveness as releasing the “debt” regarding you, does not mean that justice should not be due, nor does it mean you should not shield yourself from further damage.
It’s OK and consistent with forgiveness to keep yourself, and for others to be kept safe from harm by the perp. That might mean holding some people at arm’s length.
Seems you found that our Creator has been looking out for you, and making you stronger year by year. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Now you are helping others.
Yes on all counts, though I did refer to a 1970 Webster's edition for that very reason. ;)
Webster's was starting to hurt even way back then.
Seems the religions teaching forgiveness show a better understanding of the human condition than the academicians trying to invent a utopia on earth.
The other human-savvy teaching from those religions is sowing & reaping and karma.
Maybe... I think you and the other commenter on this topic are twisting into pretzels, though, to try to discredit a definition we all still hold. I'm perhaps older than both of you at 54, and Webster's captures my understanding of the word "forgiveness" pretty well. I still think we've taken the small part to represent the whole, and neither you nor the other poster has dissuaded me from this.
I was trying to get across is that the Religions are not holding us to Webster’s definitions as a behavioral standard.
Dunno about you, but I am glad about that.
I am blown away by your essay. These revelations are profound. I can’t imagine what you endured and I’m pretty sure I would not have it in me to forgive either parent in your shoes. You have remarkable strength. I wish you the best and I hope this piece can help other victims with healing from trauma.
Thank you so much, Dena. I'm so grateful for your comment.
I'm going to leave these here for you to take a look at. Since Christianity is rooted in Hebrew thought and practice, I sometimes go back to these sources to get out of the divisive weeds of modern Christianity.
I share the first link to point out that forgiveness in your case could simply mean you are not seeking revenge or holding grudges against your parents, and if they came to you to seek your forgiveness, you would give it to them.
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/how-we-benefit-by-forgiving-others/
I think this is a good example of forgiveness becoming reconciliation in cases of abuse, when the appropriate steps have taken place.
https://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/headlines-breaking-stories/1510838/abusers-and-the-obligation-to-genuinely-apologize.html
Stephanie, I don't really need these, but thanks for leaving them here, as they might resonant with other readers.
Also, I want to point out that in the essay above, I talk about forgiving my mother, which I've done all my life. Maybe you missed that part. It was also important for me to allow myself to finally, after decades of repressing it myself and having it suppressed by others, feel my anger toward her. It was necessary in breaking the hold she still had on me here as I head into old age. I'd already gone through the same process with my father. That's why I think it's so dangerous to push forgiveness especially on people whose parents criminally abused them; it winds up enforcing repression and suppression of the truth those people have already struggled with––often for years and decades. It's another kind of abuse, honestly.
That said, while your first link makes the same argument I've heard before, the second one digs into some interesting discussions about apologies. Neither of them use the word "crime" or "criminals," however. Please think about what I've tried to outline above about the nature of actual crimes committed. A healthy society needs to set that boundary about what behaviors we're willing to tolerate, not act like forgiveness--whether in response to an apology or the absence of one--is enough.
I do appreciate this, from that second link: "And while there is an obligation to seek forgiveness, if the perpetrator either a] does not show regret or b] still continues (or would continue) in the behavior – there is no obligation whatsoever to forgive him (See SA CM 422:1; Rambam Hilchos Chovel uMazik 5:10; See also Assei lecha Rav Vol. VI #42.)"
And this: "The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 2:9) lists three things that the perpetrator must do in order to receive forgiveness. He must; 1] provide financial restitution when it is appropriate, 2] seek to appease his victims and 3] genuinely request for forgiveness."
You're welcome. I did not miss your heart or the hurt you felt when your mother did not respond to your efforts in the way you had hoped. I did post these in support of what you have said. not because I thought you needed them.
Forgiveness is more complicated than many seem to make it out to be in public proclamations. I remember having similar feelings when Matt Lauer got fired for his sexual sins, denied the allegations even after more women came forward, and Kathy Lee Gifford immediately begged for the public's forgiveness while not even mentioning the women he abused. How odd was that??? I can show him mercy by not seeking to do him harm, but I'm not the one who was hurt by his actions, so forgiveness of his actions was not something that should have been asked of me in the first place.
I understand that extending mercy to those who have sinned may help bring them to repentance, but repentance is more than an apology, repentance involves making amends where possible and accepting any and all consequences for sinful actions. Matt Lauer has remarried and according to the latest news, wants to be let back into a position of public influence which makes me sick to my stomach, so I pray he will turn to God and make things right. If he does not, I rest in the fact that justice may be delayed, but it will not be withheld forever, and I trust that God will take care of every injustice as He sees fit because He is a perfect judge. The same is true for your parents, and I have offered my prayers in regard to them and for your continued healing. God Bless
Stephanie, I appreciate you taking the time to come back and clarify your intention in sharing the outlinks. Yeah, it's ironic because my forgiveness and what I believe to be a herculean effort to understand her life in its context isn't enough to save this relationship. She refuses to have anything to do with me. In a lifetime of manufactured illnesses (she pretended to have MS for more than a decade), her latest is dementia, but it's a very selective forgetfulness about only the things she wishes not to discuss or have anyone else discuss. It's no accident that they're often paired: "forgive and forget." I'm working on seeing her rejection of me as a blessing.
On Matt Lauer: Hmm... I confess I don't know much about that case. It's sad that it doesn't sound like he's gone through the steps to make amends for his abuse or heal whatever it is inside himself that makes him act out in that way. I feel you on how hard it is in the absence of societal justice to be patient. I'm new to this idea of speaking in terms of a just God, so I'm afraid I don't have much to say except that the hardest part about my father's crimes is knowing that he's been out there free to continue destroying innocents. I first tried many years ago to report him when he remarried a woman with many children and grandchildren, but there is nothing child protective services can do unless you know of a particular child who is being harmed and have this corroborated by others who know the child. That's a bitter one to accept. I would hope that with the scandal as a shadow behind him, Lauer at least wouldn't be able to so easily abuse whatever positions he's granted.
Thanks for the discussion here. I feel honored to have your time and thought.
This came in via email from an anonymous reader:
Lisa,
I am so sorry that you have had so much to bear.
Your sister wants power. Full stop. She surely would have wanted more power all her life, but she’s settling on being the One who tells you what to do.
I am not a Forgiver. If someone is awful, I can see my way to giving a second chance if there is a sincere apology and I see evidence that they are working to change.
Absent those details, I assume the behavior I witnessed will be repeated. I can no more change them than I can change the nature of the moon.
Trauma doesn’t go away. Nature, art, music, sweet pets, dependable family and friends let one manage and thrive. For dark nights there are books, dull podcasts and silly movies. I know you know this. Thriving is a nice revenge.
Sending love
I'm just here to say I agree fully with you. Acceptance is for personal healing, full stop. It's about coming to terms with our own unique lived experience in our own bodies, with what happened to us - emphasis on the "to", as in it came at us, out of the clear blue, beyond our control. Whether it's a bolt of lightning or human violence, it's not our doing.
It would be interesting to explore the opposite of forgiveness for some folks here. Holding a grudge? Anger? Blame? You are not responsible for pardoning your parents nor do you have the power to do so. I often think those who say they forgive are playing God. And yes, I'm aware that Christians believe that failure to forgive can corrupt the heart and, if the pain festers, can get in the way of relationship to God and others. Acceptance, which takes more eyes-wide-open effort than forgiveness, also takes the place of bitterness and anger, though.
Tanja, thank you so much for this. I love these lines of yours: "It's about coming to terms with our own unique lived experience in our own bodies, with what happened to us - emphasis on the "to", as in it came at us, out of the clear blue, beyond our control. Whether it's a bolt of lightning or human violence, it's not our doing."
And indeed, what you bring up about anger, blame, and grudges is interesting. I could argue that the best way to honor my father is to hold him accountable for his crimes, as only in this can he be saved. I wonder what others think of that.
Exactly. There are some things that can't be forgiven until the other takes responsibility. (And what you quoted is due to my background in phenomenolgy, the philosophy of experience. It has helped me a lot. I'm glad it resonated with you.)
This is such a powerful and necessary piece. You make an important distinction here between forgiveness and compliance, and between acceptance and being forced back into silence for other people’s comfort. I’m very glad you wrote it.
🙏❤️🩹❤️